Schumer Declares “National Panic Level: Epstein”
In a stunning Senate floor performance that critics are calling “performance art with a sprinkle of delusion,” Chuck Schumer demanded the FBI treat the Epstein files like they were radioactive alien scrolls encoded with Trump’s darkest secrets.
FBI Told To Investigate Trump’s Telepathic Epstein Vault
Schumer insisted the bureau investigate whether “foreign intelligence agencies” (translation: anyone who disagrees with him) could “gain leverage over Donald Trump” using the hidden files — or worse, figure out what conditioner he uses.
Nancy Pelosi Allegedly Spotted Summoning Epstein Files With Crystals
Anonymous sources say Pelosi joined in, waving sage bundles and whispering, “Show me the leverage.” Meanwhile, Adam Schiff built a tinfoil bunker to review “psychic threats” from the documents.
Democrats Demand “Full Moon Recess” To Meditate On Epstein
Schumer blasted Speaker Mike Johnson for holding an “Epstein recess,” which apparently means Congress took a break instead of performing a séance in the House chamber.
Trump Responds With Epic Troll: “I’m Releasing Epstein Files On Truth Social—In Morse Code”
Trump laughed off the hysteria, promising to release the files “right after Hillary’s 33,000 emails drop from a UFO.” Patriots celebrated by naming their new pit bull “Schumer Panic.”
🔥 Make America Laugh Again. Trump 2024: No Psychic Threat Assessments Required.
