In the most festive twist since someone tried to return a fruitcake for store credit, a Midwestern prison has announced it will not recognise President Trump’s pardon for election-worker Tina Peters — citing an “unfortunate memo misplacement” in the Warden’s office that might have been used as wrapping paper.
The warden, speaking from behind a fortress of holiday packages addressed to Dear Tina (Maybe Free?) Peters, explained, “We looked under the reindeer cookies, behind the Secret Santa list, even in the eggnog stash — but no pardon memo. We can’t release anything we can’t find.” Sources within the prison claim the directive may have been buried beneath a stack of mismatched office Christmas cards.
Legal experts are baffled. One conservative lawyer quipped, “This is like Santa losing his Naughty and Nice list — only the consequences are slightly more legal than coal.” Meanwhile, the prisoners have reportedly started a betting pool on whether the memo is in a gold foil envelope or recycled as lettuce wraps.
Inside the facility, morale is mixed. Peters herself was seen teaching knitting classes with yarn labelled “Freedom (Pre-Approval)”, while inmates argued over whether lost memo constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. One lifer sighed, “At least if Santa lost his list you might get socks. We just get existential dread.”
Outside, reaction was explosive. A former campaign advisor issued the official statement, “We demand recognition of the pardon — but we also understand misplacing things happens. Like the instructions for that silent disco at AmericaFest.” Supporters rallied, chanting slogans that sounded like carols — “Jingle Bells, Find That Pardon!” Cartoons flooded social media showing prison librarians wearing elf hats, desperately searching dusty filing cabinets.
Not to be outdone, the Department of Redundancy Department (DRD) released a clarifying memo about clarifying memos, though critics say this simply multiplies the confusion — much like adding extra sprinkles to a holiday cookie until it’s unrecognisable.
Final Punchline: The warden, now considering a Santa-style pardon sleigh to deliver missing documents personally, asked the public for suggestions. Suggestions poured in: “Check the break room,” “Maybe in the eggnog?” and “Have you asked the elves?” Meanwhile, the only confirmed sighting of the elusive pardon memo was taped to the back of a North Pole tourist brochure in the Warden’s glove compartment.
