The Pentagon reportedly announced a radical makeover for the historic Stars & Stripes newspaper this week, proclaiming that woke distractions must be banished so that only bums-on-barrel-seats content remains — like weapons specs, fitness tips, and “all things lethal.”
According to spokesmodels for the Department of War (they insisted on the new name), Stars & Stripes will now be “custom-tailored to our warfighters” — which apparently means zero civilian reporting and 50% Pentagon-generated text, likely including stirring captions like, “Round 7.62: It’s Not Just a Caliber, It’s a Lifestyle.”
Veteran journalists in the newsroom were notably unimpressed, describing the experience as “like having your grandma’s quilt replaced with kevlar.” One anonymous crusty correspondent sniffed, “They want more guns and fewer stories about base-housing plumbing crises. Next up: crossword puzzles that are actually encrypted battle plans.”
Critics outside the War Department have raised eyebrows too. Press freedom advocates were reportedly seen clutching their coffee mugs in horror, muttering things like “First Amendment? More like First Ammunition!” Meanwhile, a senior editor insisted that being told to cover only military gear was “slightly more subtle than being asked to write headlines in ALL CAPS FOREVER.”
The Pentagon’s new edict also includes refusing Associated Press reprints — because nothing says “independent journalism” like a bureaucratic content farm funded by the government itself. An industry insider whispered, “Editorial independence used to mean you could publish real news. Now it means you pick which rifle photo goes on page one.”
In response, troops overseas have reportedly started their own Stripes parody newsletter called Bullets & Banter, featuring satirical sections like ‘Tactical Fitness: How to Outrun a M1 Abrams’ and ‘Surviving KP with Nothing but a Rusted Spoon.’
A Pentagon spokesperson concluded the rollout with a stirring quote:
“We will focus on warfighting and morale. And by morale, we mean showing pictures of tanks and zero coverage of anything inconvenient, like base coffee shortages.” – Pentagon’s Official Warfighter Wordsmith (infinitely paraphrased)
Punchline: Coming soon: Stars & Stripes subscription boxes with complimentary rifle cleaning kits — finally something troops can really use!
