MEDIA MELTS DOWN OVER UNAUTHORIZED USE OF "EPSTEIN" WITHOUT “TRUMP”
In a stunning display of anti-establishment voodoo, Senator JD Vance committed the unthinkable: he spoke the name "Epstein" without immediately blaming Donald Trump, causing MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow to reportedly burst into a cloud of kale-scented smoke.
VANCE VIOLATES LIBERAL TIME RULES BY REMEMBERING HISTORY BEGAN BEFORE 2016
“There was a thing called the Obama administration,” Vance explained to stunned reporters, many of whom thought America was founded in 2016 to stop Trump. One journalist reportedly whispered, “Wait... you mean there were presidents before Orange Man?”
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE REVEALED TO BE ON A 30-YEAR NAP
For two decades, Epstein skated while DOJ officials did nothing but update their LinkedIns. “Turns out the only thing they redacted harder than the Epstein files was their curiosity,” Vance quipped, while CNN screamed in Latin and tried to ban history.
MEDIA OUTRAGED VANCE REMEMBERED FACTS, DEMANDS HE BE EXCOMMUNICATED
Media outlets quickly accused Vance of “weaponizing memory” and “endangering democracy with old news.” The New York Times published an emergency editorial titled: “Why It’s Racist To Ask Who Flew On The Lolita Express.”
MAGA CHAD SUMMONS TRANSPARENCY, MEDIA CALLS IT TERRORISM
JD Vance's heretical act of demanding DOJ transparency triggered spontaneous fainting spells across NPR headquarters. As Trump said in a fictional quote we 100% made up: “I always knew Epstein didn’t kill himself — but now, JD's making sure the media doesn’t kill the truth either.”
