Reporters Dust Off 2016 'Blue Wave' Graphics Following Promising Double-Digit Deficit
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a coordinated display of unflinching optimism, the nation’s entire mainstream media apparatus declared a pivotal election race a dead heat Sunday after a new poll revealed the Democratic candidate was trailing by a mere twelve percentage points.
The poll, conducted by the prestigious Quinnipiac/YouGov/Guy-In-A-Van-With-A-Clipboard Consortium, showed the Republican candidate leading 56% to 44%. While laymen and other individuals burdened by the constraints of mathematics might see this as a significant lead, seasoned political analysts across CNN and MSNBC immediately recognized it for what it was: a statistical tie and a powerful omen of a coming blue tsunami.
“When you adjust for vibes, factor in the expected surge of single-issue voters concerned about migratory bird lanes, and then apply our proprietary Narrative Momentum Index™, this 12-point gap is effectively zero,” explained a CNN data analyst, gesturing to a screen filled with flashing arrows and inscrutable charts. “In fact, one could argue that being this far behind this close to an election is actually a position of incredible strength. The other guy has peaked. We’re just getting started.”
The sentiment was echoed across the media landscape, with headlines celebrating the promising deficit:
- The New York Times: Though Trailing, Democrat’s Path to Victory Becomes Morally Clearer
- The Washington Post: Democracy Itself Cheers As Poll Numbers Show Republican Lead Is Merely Numerical
- MSNBC: Is a 12-Point Deficit Actually a 5-Point Lead? We Discuss With A Panel Of People Who Say Yes.
A New Era of Interpretive Data
Sources inside the newsrooms confirm that upon seeing the poll results, editors immediately killed several less-than-inspiring stories, including one about rising gas prices and another about a local puppy parade, to make room for 24/7 coverage of the “monumental polling shift.”
“Look, anyone can just read the numbers on a page,” said one network producer, speaking on the condition of anonymity because he was actively drawing a plus sign in front of the Democrat’s poll numbers with a Sharpie. “Our job is to tell people what the numbers feel. And these numbers feel like a comeback story for the ages. It’s our responsibility to contextualize this 12-point chasm as a launching pad for victory.”
Experts in the field of “aspirational statistics” praised the media’s forward-thinking approach.
“For too long, polling has been held hostage by the oppressive constructs of addition and subtraction,” said Dr. Alistair Finch of the Center for Progressive Numerology. “We are finally entering an enlightened age where a poll is not a snapshot of reality, but a vision board for the reality we hope to create. By reporting a 12-point deficit as a sign of imminent victory, the media is simply helping to manifest a better outcome for everyone.”
Candidate Prepares Victory Speech
Buoyed by the universally positive coverage of his electoral struggles, the Democratic candidate in question reportedly cancelled all future campaign events to begin drafting his victory speech.
“The media’s interpretation of this poll confirms what we’ve known all along: the voters are with us in spirit, if not yet in declared voting intention,” said a campaign spokesperson. “We are confident that on election day, the remaining 12% of voters we need will see the wisdom in the media’s analysis and fall in line.”
As the sun set, cable news chyrons glowed with the triumphant news. “SHOCK POLL: DEMS SURGE TO WITHIN STRIKING DISTANCE,” one read, as a panel of four identical-looking analysts nodded in solemn agreement that the election was, for all intents and purposes, already over.
