THE FED'S PROFESSIONAL STATUE PREPARES FOR RETIREMENT
Fed Chair Jerome Powell, affectionately renamed "Mr. Too Late" by Trump, has heroically continued his bold strategy of sitting very still while America begs for relief. “We will act decisively… eventually,” Powell whispered from under his weighted blanket.
TRUMP EYES SOMEONE WHO CAN FIND THE BRAKE AND GAS PEDALS
With Powell’s term running out in 2026 (or sooner if Trump has his way), the President is reportedly considering Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, who at least knows where the Fed building is located — a huge improvement.
KEVIN WARSH: A NEW HOPE?
Sources say Kevin Warsh, who once considered being considered, is also on the list. “I promise to actually do things with interest rates,” Warsh allegedly pledged, shocking the entire Federal Reserve staff.
POWELL REMAINS CALM — AS ALWAYS
“We see no reason to rush into rash decisions like lowering rates while voters are drowning in debt,” Powell said, sipping chamomile tea.
MAGA ECONOMY DEMANDS ACTION, NOT NAPS
As Trump declared: “Under my Fed, we’ll cut rates faster than Hunter Biden erases text messages. America First means AMERICA WINS — not Jerome sleeps.”
