REPUBLICANS CANCEL JULY 4TH — FOR FREEDOM
Senate Majority Leader John Thune heroically announced that he’s willing to keep senators trapped in the Capitol well past Independence Day. “We will work 24/7, 365 if that’s what it takes to deliver Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill!” Thune bellowed, as fireworks quietly sobbed in the distance.
TED CRUZ EXPRESSES SKEPTICAL EYEBROW
Senator Ted Cruz, concerned that the bill may not be “sufficiently huge or gorgeous,” raised his trademark skeptical eyebrow. “I support the President’s agenda... assuming it’s Texas-sized.”
DEMOCRATS PANIC OVER DEFICIT — AGAIN
Democrats, who spent trillions last Tuesday, suddenly rediscovered fiscal responsibility. “This bill could add $17.43 to the deficit,” wailed Chuck Schumer while holding a magnifying glass over the CBO report.
SENATE CAFETERIA PREPARES FOR LONG HAUL
In anticipation of indefinite sessions, the Senate cafeteria unveiled the “Freedom Fries Forever” menu. AOC demanded plant-based alternatives, suggesting “Equity Kale.”
TRUMP: 'IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST BILL EVER, BELIEVE ME'
President Trump, from Mar-a-Lago, reassured the nation: “It’s gonna be beautiful, folks. Big. Beautiful. Maybe the most beautiful bill in American history. The radical left is melting like Nancy Pelosi’s last Botox injection.”
