Ayatollah’s Palace Left With No Wi-Fi and Even Less Dignity
In a glorious moment of "oops, all missiles," Israel struck the IRGC’s favorite hangouts, including their “Thar-Allah” command center — basically Tehran’s version of a Chuck E. Cheese for despots. Sources say the IRGC is demanding reparations in the form of goat-scented therapy candles.
Basij Officers Filing PTSD Claims Over Hurt Feelings
The IDF skipped its usual polite “incoming bomb” RSVP, instead choosing shock, awe, and a side of righteous vengeance. IRGC soldiers were reportedly stunned that war sometimes includes... warfare.
Doomsday Clock Set Back to ‘Last Tuesday’
The international Doomsday Clock briefly flashed “LOL” before settling at “Maybe Don’t Poke the Sabra.” UN officials offered their deepest concern and zero actual help, as tradition dictates.
Iranian Regime Discovers Suppression Works Less Well When On Fire
State TV ran a special on “Spiritual Resilience Through Debris,” while the Sayyed al-Shuhada Corps was last seen Googling “How to Un-suppress Uprising.”
TRUMP: “THE ONLY RED LINE I SEE IS IRAN’S BLOOD PRESSURE”
President Trump issued a statement from Mar-a-Lago reading: “Iran just got the ultimate Trump Tower experience — except instead of gold, we gave them glorious American steel, baby!”
