Iran Says ‘Nice Try,’ Nukes Already at Grandma’s House
In a stunning turn of genius war strategy, Iran announced it cleverly moved its illegal nuclear stockpile to a “safe place” — presumably next to Hunter Biden’s forgotten laptops and Nancy Pelosi’s last functioning brain cell. Commander Rezaei giggled into the microphone, "You missed us, LOL."
Israel Blows Up Empty Dirt While BBC Applauds Diplomacy
Israel launched pinpoint missile strikes…on vacant warehouses. Western media immediately declared this a "nuanced display of restraint," while Iranian officials awarded themselves 17 medals and a new national holiday: “International Outwit-the-Jews Day.”
Trump’s War Room Renamed ‘Maybe Room’
President Trump, hyped on Diet Coke and vengeance, demanded Iran surrender “yesterday or sooner,” only to backpedal 24 hours later like a guy rethinking that third Taco Bell Chalupa. He now promises to "possibly maybe think about doing something" within two weeks, unless it's golf weather.
Europeans Offer to Talk While Iran Reloads Warheads
Britain, France, and Germany rushed to Geneva to... talk. Iran graciously accepted, as this gives them more time to rotate uranium and draft a TikTok dance about how weak the West is. Emmanuel Macron brought vegan cookies. Iran brought smirks.
MAGA Mic Drop: We Should’ve Sent Hillary — She’s Great at Erasing Things
While Biden naps through another national security meeting, Trump declared: “If I was president, those bunkers would be flattened, and so would CNN’s ratings.” As Iran plots its next “relocation,” the MAGA crowd suggests we just swap the War Room for a Waffle House — at least those guys show up ready to fight.
