THE IRANIAN NEGOTIATION MELTDOWN BEGINS
In a shocking display of leadership, President Trump — who apparently doesn’t want a nuclear war for some bizarre America First reason — began evacuating U.S. diplomats from Iraq, Bahrain, and parts of the Middle East. “I’m much less confident Iran can negotiate in good faith while they chant ‘Death to America,’” Trump noted while Democrats clutched pearls.
DEMOCRATS DEMAND MORE WAR
Nancy Pelosi screeched, “This is destabilizing! If we don’t trust Iran’s peaceful intentions, who can we trust?” Meanwhile, Chuck Schumer called for a congressional investigation into why Trump won’t just surrender unconditionally.
IRAN’S VERY REASONABLE REQUESTS
Reports indicate Iran’s latest demands include: unrestricted uranium enrichment, $5 trillion in reparations, and the renaming of Florida to “Ayatollah Land.” Bernie Sanders praised the proposal as “progressive and fair.”
ISRAEL IGNORES PEACEFUL ADVICE
As Israel considered limited airstrikes, Trump reportedly told Netanyahu: “Chill, Bibi. I’ve already destroyed their air defenses last year. Let’s save some missiles for 2025.”
MAGA STRIKES AGAIN
Once again, Trump outmaneuvers the apocalypse cult, keeps America safe, and proves you don’t need globalist approval to win. Meanwhile, Biden searches for Iran on a map—still pointing at Iowa.
