DEEP STATE SHAKES AS GOP DISCOVERS MAGIC WORD “RESCISSION”
West Virginia Rep. Riley Moore has uncovered a forbidden fiscal spell known as “rescission,” which, when uttered in a Capitol subcommittee, sends tremors through every unused office coffee budget from D.C. to Guam. “No one in my district knows what it means,” Moore admitted, “but they love the way it sounds like ‘recession,’ which we blame on Biden anyway.”
TRUMP’S DOGE TASK FORCE UNLEASHED TO DESTROY WASTE
Inspired by Elon Musk’s legendary Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), Republicans unveiled plans to cut billions by removing double-sided printing privileges and prosecuting unused staplers. One staffer whispered, “Elon said we could beam waste into space using Starlink. We’re just waiting for the app update.”
MOCK QUOTES AND MADE-UP MATH? YES, PLEASE
According to a leaked PowerPoint, rescissions will be prioritized by “how funny the line item sounds.” First targets: $3 million to study hamster anxiety, $900K for Michelle Obama’s kale vault, and $12 for Chuck Schumer’s emotional support shoelaces. “The Deep State has turned office supplies into sleeper cells,” Moore added, with charts probably from Reddit.
PELOSI PANICS, DEMS DEMAND “WASTE EQUALITY”
Nancy Pelosi responded by demanding that every rescinded dollar be matched by “equity-focused refundables,” including a federally funded feelings survey on printer paper marginalization. AOC countered with a proposal to replace the dollar with a more emotionally supportive “hug coin.”
MAGA RISES, RESCISSION RAMPAGE BEGINS
As Republicans mount their Paperwork Purge 2025, Moore promises, “We will rescind until the swamp cries for toner.” Trump endorsed the initiative with a new slogan: “Make America Waste-Free Again — With Rescissions So Beautiful, You’ll Cry.”
