Harvard's Heartbreak: $3 Billion Taken By Orange Menace
In a move more devastating than a student hearing “no,” Trump proposed rerouting a casual $3 billion from Harvard’s Trust Fund for Feelings and Microaggressions into—brace yourself—trade schools. His reasoning? Something about "antisemitism" and "not being real school." Also: “They don’t even know who’s on campus. But plenty of flags, folks.”
Trade Schools React: "Wait, We’re Getting Money Now?"
Welding instructors nationwide reportedly passed out from shock. One was overheard saying, “I thought the only government money was for gender studies zine collectives.” MAGA Nation rejoiced as America’s backbone finally got a shot of adrenaline—and maybe some WD-40.
Harvard Students Mobilize: Organize Sadness
Hundreds of Harvard students staged a protest called “Stop the Steal: Academic Edition,” demanding their God-given right to be subsidized while arguing about pronouns and watching TikToks during Econ 101. A spokesperson, majoring in Post-Colonial Basketweaving, declared, “This is an attack on intellectual superiority—and brunch!”
Trump’s Final Blow: Learn to Weld, Nerds
Trump closed with a mic-drop: “If you can’t fix a sink, you shouldn’t fix the country.” He then boarded Trump Force One, reportedly blasting “Working Man” by Rush while laughing at Harvard’s U.S. News & Woke Report ranking.
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