Ivy League Secession Begins
In a stunning act of self-importance, Harvard has announced it will no longer follow U.S. immigration law, opting instead to become “an independent humanitarian haven for the academically endangered.” Campus officials confirmed they’re printing passports on recycled thesis paper.
Widener Becomes a Bunker
The Widener Library has been converted into a “safe zone,” complete with avocado toast rations and emergency safe-space therapy goats. Harvard's president declared it “a global embassy of enlightenment surrounded by a sea of Trumpian darkness.”
Fake Quotes, Real Hilarity
“We believe borders are a social construct—except for the admissions office,” quipped a masked diversity officer in a Che Guevara t-shirt. Meanwhile, a student sobbed, “I didn’t leave Sweden to be oppressed by immigration laws.”
Trump Responds (Predictably)
Trump lashed out on Truth Social: “Harvard’s full of globalist crybabies and latte lunatics. Build a wall around Cambridge—make Yale pay for it!”
MAGA Mic Drop
Patriots cheered as Harvard’s ivory tower floated off into irrelevance, while Trump promised: “Next semester, we enroll the woke in reality.”
