WASHINGTON — House Republicans are said to be this close to hiring a clairvoyant team of advisers after President Trump’s ongoing refusal to commit to a clear 2026 midterm strategy left GOP leaders feeling stranded, bewildered, and slightly sunburned from pacing under open skylights.
According to multiple inside sources, Senate leaders convened an emergency “Vision Board Summit” last week where every piece of paper was blank — and it went just about as well as Trump’s outreach to incumbents. “We tried maps. We tried statistics. We even tried a PowerPoint with smoke effects… but nothing could explain why his campaign bank account is like a leftover pizza,” one flustered strategist whispered under the glow of a flickering chart.
Some Republicans reportedly suggested using ancient divination methods — including tea-leaf reading and staring at the sun until someone feels something real — to determine where funds should go. “Numbers are nice, but Chi energies tell us which Senate seats will actually win,” said one lobbyist, balancing an abacus, a shepherd’s crook, and a student loan statement.
Trump, meanwhile, has been characteristically unapologetic about his tactical ambiguity. “I’ll reveal the master plan when the time is right,” he proudly declared at a recent rally, which is apparently scheduled to be every day until further notice. “It’s like Schrödinger’s campaign: it’s both unstoppable and invisible at the same time.”
Republican governors, sensing an existential threat to the party’s political life force, proposed instituting a mandatory charisma transfusion for anyone within five miles of a campaign event — but were shot down when the FDA reminded them that charisma has not been approved as a supplement. “We could possibly lose Idaho,” one aide sobbed.
The uncertainty has rippled through the GOP ranks. House candidates have begun replicating occult traditions usually reserved for late-night talk shows, like throwing darts at state maps while blindfolded and reciting quotations from The Art of the Deal backwards. The result? A viral trend called “Chance Politics™” that has somehow brought teenagers out of their rooms.
DNC strategists, observing from across the aisle, issued a communal sigh of relief. “Everything is going wonderfully,” said one official with the calmness of a shark in a kiddie pool. “We’re just pleased that they’ve collectively decided to campaign using Ouija boards.”
A recent internal poll — conducted entirely via “spin the bottle and whoever it points to leads the ticket” — showed Republicans trailing in key swing states, but only slightly behind the Cleveland Browns’ playoff odds.
At press time, sources indicate the GOP’s next move may involve asking an actual magic 8-ball for funding guidance, or possibly launching a new app called Trump Oracle with push notifications that say, “Maybe? Check Later.”
