EUROPE GETS TRUMP-SMACKED BACK TO THE STONE AGE
With trade talks flopping harder than Kamala Harris’s approval ratings, Trump stormed onto Truth Social and unleashed a thunderous 50% tariff on EU imports. “They wanna play stupid games? Fine,” Trump typed heroically. “No lobster, no mercy.”
STOCK MARKETS MELT — TRUMP CALLS IT “CLEANING OUT THE WEAK”
Global stocks went limp. EU leaders panicked. CNN panicked harder. Trump smirked, declaring, “That’s called WINNING, folks. The weak hands gotta go.”
EU TRIES TO CRAWL BACK, TRUMP BODY-SLAMS THEM AGAIN
Desperate Brussels bureaucrats offered a “lobster treaty.” Trump laughed. “Too little, too French,” he said. “They can keep their baguette diplomacy.”
AOC BLAMES CLIMATE CHANGE FOR TRADE WAR, NOBODY LISTENS
In a last-ditch attempt to stay relevant, AOC blamed the tariff on “climate feelings.” Gavin Newsom promised a California boycott of European cheese. Nobody noticed.
TRUMP: “I LOVE AMERICAN JOBS. I HATE GLOBALISTS.”
As the EU begs for mercy, Trump rides high. American lobstermen rejoice. Liberal tears flow like fine imported wine — now 50% more expensive.
