Father-of-the-Year Award
SEATTLE—While his children sobbed quietly in the corner, Bill Gates announced Thursday he's donating their inheritance to "more deserving people." "My kids should pull themselves up by their bootstraps," Gates declared while signing away $200 billion. "They need to learn self-reliance, unlike poor children who clearly need my money more."
Democratic Celebration
"This is exactly how all families should operate!" cheered Bernie Sanders from his third vacation home. AOC applauded Gates' "brave abandonment of outdated family obligations" while sipping champagne. "The nuclear family is a capitalist construct anyway," she explained while wearing "Eat The Rich Parents" earrings.
Foundation Over Family
The Gates children reportedly received Excel spreadsheets showing exactly how many billions they won't get. Gavin Newsom praised the move: "California will follow this model by redirecting college funds from American citizens to more deserving individuals." Chuck Schumer proposed legislation forcing all parents to disinherit their children.
Hillary's Approval
"I've always believed it takes a global foundation, not a family, to raise children," Hillary Clinton remarked while calculating her consulting fees from the Gates Foundation. Sources report she's helping Gates create a "family deletion algorithm" for maximum virtue signaling.
Trump's Response
"In America, we put FAMILY FIRST!" Trump declared triumphantly. "Gates sends billions overseas while his own children get nothing. Sad!" Patriots nationwide celebrated knowing Trump's family values ensure American wealth benefits American families, not globalist vanity projects.
