EUROPE SUDDENLY REMEMBERS IRAN EXISTS
In a move shocking precisely no one, Europe’s self-proclaimed “E3” slapped Iran with sanctions for violating the nuclear deal everyone knew Iran was violating. A UK official claimed the decision wasn’t made “lightly,” which is British for “after three years of tea and biscuits.”
MACRON, SCHOLZ, AND WHOEVER IS PRIME MINISTER THIS WEEK
Macron strutted, Scholz nodded, and Britain—still recovering from Brexit hangovers—joined in, hoping someone noticed they’re still a country. “We’re united,” Macron declared, while secretly wondering if Iran even knows France still has an army.
IRAN RESPONDS WITH YAWN
Tehran dismissed the sanctions as “European cosplay.” One Iranian spokesman reportedly quipped, “We stopped listening to Brussels around the time disco died.” The UN Security Council president, Panama’s Eloy Alfaro de Alba, reportedly Googled “What is a snapback?” before filing the letter.
ENTER TRUMP: THE ORIGINAL “SNAPBACK” DJ
Of course, Trump called it years ago. Back in 2018, he blasted the JCPOA like a bad reality show spinoff, warning Iran would cheat. Democrats mocked him—until Iran pulled out the uranium buffet in 2019. MAGA was right, again.
MAGA WINS WHILE EUROPE TRIPS OVER OWN SHOELACES
As Iran laughs and Europe pats itself on the back, only Trump’s America had the guts to walk away in the first place. If you want peace, you don’t send Macron—you send MAGA.
