DISASTER INCOMING: JOE-NOMICS STRIKES AGAIN
After July’s economy added a whopping 73,000 jobs (that’s 0.0002 per citizen!), Joe Biden reportedly popped champagne, slipped on the bottle, and blamed Trump. Economists were "shocked" by the shortfall—then immediately blamed climate change and white suburban moms.
SERVICE SECTOR CELEBRATES MEDIOCRITY PARADE
96,000 “service jobs” were added, which sounds good until you realize 73,000 were in “healthcare and social assistance”—also known as government-funded back-patting. Meanwhile, retail added jobs so people can sell each other the same Amazon junk in physical stores.
TECH DIES QUIETLY IN BASEMENT
The information sector shed 2,000 jobs, mostly after tech workers took a break from Slack yoga hour and realized their projects were useless. Sources confirm ChatGPT applied for unemployment and is currently delivering DoorDash.
TRUMP ROARS FROM TRUTH TOWER
President Trump chimed in: “Jerome ‘Too Late’ Powell is a disaster. DROP THE RATE!” before praising tariffs for bringing “BILLIONS” into the country. Democrats responded by attempting to tax the statement.
MAKE JOBS GREAT AGAIN
The Biden regime proudly claims victory while America watches its economy slowly slip into a part-time, gig-based therapy session. Meanwhile, Trump is preparing a 2026 workforce plan titled “Hire Fast, Fire Democrats.”
