Party Vows To Get to the Bottom of Who Radicalized Your Grocery Bill
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Responding to mounting pressure over the economy, Democratic Party leadership unveiled a bold new strategy Tuesday aimed at combating inflation: a prime-time, televised select committee hearing to investigate the rising cost of groceries.
Flanked by charts showing the skyrocketing price of bacon, party officials assured the public that they have heard their concerns and are prepared to take decisive, made-for-cable-news action. The new initiative, tentatively titled the “Select Committee to Investigate the Insurrection Against Your Wallet,” will be granted full subpoena power to get to the bottom of why a carton of eggs now costs more than a streaming subscription.
“The American people are hurting, and they deserve answers,” said DNC narrative strategist Jeremy Slate, adjusting his glasses. “They don’t want complicated fiscal policy or empty talk about the supply chain. They want accountability. They want to see that head of lettuce under oath, answering for its crimes.”
According to a memo circulated to party members, the committee’s primary goal is to “construct a compelling narrative” around inflation that will captivate the nation and distract from the actual numbers on price tags. The multi-phase plan includes:
- Phase 1: Subpoenas. The committee will immediately issue subpoenas to a wide range of non-sentient economic concepts and grocery items, including “The Concept of Scarcity,” a gallon of 2% milk, and the entire deli counter from a Safeway in suburban Virginia.
- Phase 2: Televised Hearings. Dramatic, day-long hearings will feature expert testimony from sociologists on the emotional toll of expensive avocados, along with surprise witnesses and never-before-seen text messages between a chicken and its distributor.
- Phase 3: Impeachment. Should the committee find sufficient evidence of high crimes and misdemeanors, it will draft articles of impeachment against the CEO of whichever food conglomerate is polling the worst that week.
“We believe the price of ground beef is a direct threat to our democracy,” Slate explained. “We must investigate its origins, its motives, and its ties to other anti-consumer elements within the refrigerator. We will leave no stone fruit unturned.”
When asked by a reporter how congressional hearings would actually lower prices for families, Slate seemed puzzled by the question.
“That’s a very 2019 way of thinking,” he responded. “This isn’t about lowering prices. It’s about achieving price justice. It’s about ensuring that every American who has been victimized by a $9 box of cereal gets to see that box of cereal held accountable on national television. That’s the kind of economic relief that truly matters.”
Early focus groups for the strategy have reportedly been overwhelmingly positive. One participant from Brooklyn, NY, was quoted as saying, “I’d gladly pay $15 for a coffee if it means I can watch a panel of experts spend six hours dismantling the entire concept of market forces. That’s a moral victory.”
The committee is expected to hold its first hearing next month, with the subpoenaed carton of eggs scheduled as the lead witness. Officials have already expressed concern that the eggs may prove to be a hostile witness, potentially cracking under pressure.
