THE WORLD TREMBLES AS TRUMP EXPANDS BAN LIST
President Trump, tired of America being "the world’s doormat," dropped another travel ban bombshell. This time, he's eyeing 36 more countries — many so obscure even Google Maps needed an update. “If I can’t pronounce it, they’re not coming in,” Trump declared while eating a MAGA-branded cheeseburger.
STATE DEPARTMENT UNLEASHES “GEO-POLITICAL THUNDERDOME”
In an internal memo leaked by "totally not the NY Times," the State Department demanded these nations prove they’re not sleeper cells disguised as tourist groups. “Send us your paperwork, or we’ll assume you’re hiding TikTok spies,” one official allegedly stated.
DEMOCRATS MELT DOWN INTO PUDDLES OF WOKENESS
Naturally, Democrats erupted. Nancy Pelosi slurred, “This is racist against...uh…those people.” Bernie Sanders proposed opening U.S. borders to “everyone, everywhere, forever” while handing out free college diplomas written in Esperanto.
CNN EXPERTS BAFFLED BY EXISTENCE OF TUVALU
CNN hosted a 17-person panel trying to locate Tuvalu. After two hours, Don Lemon concluded, “This might be a Trump-manufactured island to distract from Russia.”
MAGA AMERICA STANDS STRONG
While liberals faint, Trump supporters cheer. “America First means America First, folks. If you want in, learn English, love freedom, and lose the nonsense,” Trump thundered, to roaring crowds and flying red hats.
