In a legislative feat that perfectly captures the spirit of modern governance, Congress this week proposed replacing thousands of border agents with certified diversity and inclusion consultants. Supporters say it’s time to “shift from enforcement to emotional empowerment.”
Under the plan, incoming migrants will no longer encounter officers, checkpoints, or questions. Instead, they’ll be greeted by a smiling facilitator who invites them to form a healing circle and “share how colonial borders made them feel unwelcome.”
One senior lawmaker boasted, “For too long we’ve focused on outdated concepts like sovereignty and law. Now we’re prioritizing self-esteem.”
A consultant involved in the pilot program explained, “When people cross illegally, that’s really a communication style. Our job is to validate that style while also journaling about it.”
Critics argue the proposal ignores basic security concerns.
A rancher near the border said, “If a consultant wants to sit down and talk about my ‘lived experience,’ they’re welcome. But when smugglers tear up my property, I need more than a trust-fall exercise.”
Another local added, “Last year we asked for better fencing. Instead, they sent a mindfulness coach and a box of affirmation stickers.”
Supporters insist the new method will reduce tension by de-escalating conflict. For example, if a cartel runner charges through a checkpoint, consultants are trained to respond with a grounding mantra and a laminated chart of inclusive communication styles.
The proposal also includes “Border Storytelling Corners,” where newcomers can express migration journeys through watercolor and interpretive sand art.
Despite public skepticism, lawmakers promise this will “redefine national security for a compassionate future.”
Final punchline: Officials say if the program succeeds, TSA will also be replaced — with life coaches encouraging passengers to “self-assess their desire to bring liquids on board.”
