ENTER THE TRUMP AVENGERS
China’s Vice Premier He Lifeng arrived first, clearly hoping to “set the tone.” Big mistake. Moments later, Jamieson Greer and the MAGA Mercenaries arrived — silent, steely-eyed, and ready to tear through a communist wish list like it was a Biden speech: incoherent and begging for edits.
LANCASTER HOUSE NOW A PROSPERITY CRIME SCENE
Historic Lancaster House has seen diplomacy before — but never this level of economic artillery. While China hoped for olive branches, they got a binder labeled “You're About To Lose,” stamped with an American eagle tearing through red tape.
"ALL-DAY" MEANS ALL-DOMINANCE
Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick confirmed the talks “went all day” — translation: China tried everything. Team Trump swatted away excuses like Pelosi swats at insider trading subpoenas. Every hour? A new American demand. Every break? A new tariff threat. It was economic D-Day, and Beijing forgot its helmet.
CHINA LEFT WITH NOTHING BUT TEA AND TEARS
Sources confirm the Chinese delegation left pale, shaken, and contemplating a return to barter. “We offered to stop stealing tech,” one official whispered. “They demanded we stop existing.” America didn’t just hold the line — it extended it across the Pacific.
TRUMP: THE DEALMAKER RETURNS TO LEGENDARY FORM
Back in D.C., President Trump reportedly grinned, cracked a Diet Coke, and said: “Told ya — trade wars are good and easy to win.” The Trump Doctrine? Don’t negotiate. Dominate. And if necessary — tariff everything that moves.
