State Legislators Confident Billionaires Will Stick Around For 'One Last Shearing'
SACRAMENTO, CA – In a move hailed by progressive strategists as a “paradigm shift in aspirational accounting,” California lawmakers this week championed a groundbreaking proposal to shore up the state’s budget by taxing the unrealized capital gains of its wealthiest residents. The strategy, known as Assembly Bill 259, relies on the previously untested economic theory that billionaires enjoy having their assets taxed before they’ve actually made any money from them.
“It’s really quite simple,” explained Assemblyman Alex Lee, the bill’s sponsor, while standing next to a whiteboard covered in what appeared to be flowcharts leading from a drawing of a rich person to a drawing of a state treasury overflowing with gold coins. “These individuals have an enormous amount of wealth just sitting there, not being sufficiently taxed. We’re simply asking them to pay taxes on the money they might make someday, today. It’s a pre-payment on prosperity.”
The proposed annual tax of up to 1.5% on worldwide assets above a certain threshold is being called a masterstroke in “proactive revenue generation.” Economists who were not consulted on the bill have pointed out that both wealth and the people who own it are famously mobile, a critique that was dismissed by supporters as “cynical, pro-billionaire fearmongering.”
A 'Minor Logistical Hurdle'
When questioned about the possibility that the state’s 180-or-so billionaires might simply move to states like Nevada or Florida, which have no income tax and a decidedly less creative approach to asset seizure, legislative aides seemed unconcerned.
“We have accounted for that,” said one staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity because he was simultaneously packing his desk into a cardboard box. “Our models predict a minor, statistically insignificant exodus of maybe 98 to 100 percent of the targeted tax base. But the moral victory will be immeasurable.”
Indeed, sources report that several of California's wealthiest residents have already begun preparing for the potential new tax by engaging in what they call “domicile diversification.”
“I love California. The weather, the beaches, the culture… it’s fantastic,” said tech mogul Chad Bransford, speaking via Zoom from his newly purchased 40,000-square-foot “vacation yurt” in Jackson, Wyoming. “I would have been honored to pay a tax on the theoretical future value of my stock portfolio. Truly. But I just got a great deal on internet service here, and you have to follow the bandwidth, you know?”
Real estate agents in Lake Tahoe, Nevada, and Austin, Texas, have reported a sudden surge in inquiries for properties with “robust home security” and “private jet-friendly landing strips.”
It’s Not About The Money, It’s About The Message
Proponents of the bill argue that focusing on the actual revenue is missing the point. The true goal, they claim, is to send a powerful message.
“For too long, we have allowed wealth to accumulate at the top without properly shaming it,” declared Dr. Willow Fielder, a sociologist at the Berkeley Institute for Post-Economic Studies. “Even if this policy generates less revenue than a statewide bake sale, it will succeed in its primary mission: to make people with capital feel vaguely unwelcome. It’s a form of societal exfoliation.”
According to Dr. Fielder, the departure of billionaires is a net positive, as it lowers the state’s average wealth and thus makes California “statistically more equitable.”
“When you remove the outliers, the median income gets much closer to the mean,” she explained patiently. “The state won’t have more money, but on paper, our inequality problem will look significantly better. That’s a win for social justice.”
As the state faces a multi-billion-dollar budget deficit, lawmakers remain optimistic. If the wealth tax fails to convince billionaires to stay and be taxed, other proposals are reportedly being workshopped, including a “sunshine tariff” on nice weather, an “avocado toast surcharge,” and a retroactive tax on anyone who left the state in the last decade, to be collected via strongly worded letters.
“Look, if the billionaires leave, they leave,” concluded Assemblyman Lee. “But they will leave knowing that we really, really wanted their money. And that public declaration of intent is what good governance is all about.”
