In an unexpected twist that stunned exactly zero Americans with a functioning frontal lobe, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent took the stage this week to inform China that the free ride is officially over. Yes, the same China that’s been cranking out plastic trinkets and carbon emissions like it’s a competitive sport was told—brace yourselves—to maybe stop manipulating their currency and underpaying their workers. Revolutionary stuff.
“Change or be changed,” Bessent warned, presumably while staring dramatically into a bald eagle’s eyes and saluting the nearest American flag. According to sources, Xi Jinping has not been this surprised since discovering Americans don’t enjoy their economy being hollowed out for the sake of another “discount” toaster.
Meanwhile, back in Washington, President Trump (who, let’s be honest, called all this a decade ago while everyone else was busy outsourcing socks) is somewhere grinning ear to ear. MAGA hats have reportedly surged in value, outperforming the yuan by 4000%.
The Biden administration—oh wait, no, scratch that, this is an America First sequel. Under Bessent’s clear-eyed leadership, the message is simple: if your economy is built on exploiting your own citizens and flooding Walmart shelves with products nobody asked for, we’re going to keep those tariffs nice and toasty.
In a stunning act of diplomacy, Bessent also revealed that over 100 countries are eager to hop on the “fair trade” train. Rumors suggest even France briefly considered working hard again. We’ll believe it when we see it.
Stay tuned as China furiously recalculates how to maintain global dominance without access to the American consumer’s Amazon cart.
God bless tariffs. God bless Trump. And God bless these United States of America.
