America wakes up this week to the shocking realization that law enforcement has become an Olympic sport — according to the latest stats from the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), arrests for assault on federal officers have more than tripled since last year.
It seems the streets decided to throw a “Welcome Back” party for the boys in uniform — 375 incidents of serious assault (code-named “89B”) and 56 instances of interfering with officers (89E) between February and November, compared with a mere 193 and 14 under the previous administration. Arrests? A rock-solid 187, up from just 55.
Officials defended the sharp spike with stern seriousness. “We will continue to aggressively pursue those who attack law enforcement,” an FBI spokesperson declared — as if armed robbery and resisting arrest had suddenly become trendy. Maybe 2025 is the year Americans rediscovered “action” and “suspense.”
Meanwhile, the usual suspects of liberal media and soft-on-crime politicians are scratching their heads. Could it be that when the state cracks down, criminals fight back harder? Radical thought, I know. The way this is going, perhaps FBI agents should be handed capes and theme-music: “Assault on federal officers, coming soon to a DISCO near you.”
Punchline: Because nothing says “law and order” quite like turning arrests into viral statistics — and giving criminals a bona fide reason to hit “subscribe.”
