Trump Installs Freedom Wi-Fi Over Iran
In a move geopolitical experts described as “wait… what?”, President Trump declared that the U.S. now owns Iran’s skies, sky-related thoughts, and possibly a few clouds. “We’ve got complete and total control,” he posted, before adding, “Nobody does it better, except maybe me with a 9-iron.”
Ayatollah Now on Google Maps as ‘Suspicious Carpeted Lair’
Trump’s Truth Social blitz casually dropped Khamenei’s exact hidey-hole location. “He’s safe for now,” Trump said, “but only because I’m feeling merciful. Also, DoorDash won’t deliver there.” Reports say the Ayatollah immediately subscribed to ExpressVPN and turned off location sharing.
Iranian Air Defenses Described as ‘Adorable’ by Pentagon
“Great sky trackers. Really cute,” Trump mocked, comparing Iranian tech to a 2004 Nokia with duct tape. American drones allegedly flew by waving tiny U.S. flags while playing “Born in the U.S.A.” through loudspeakers.
Trump Ends With Subtle Message: UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER
As Biden stares into a teleprompter wondering what day it is, Trump posts “UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER!” in all caps, causing three diplomats to faint and one CNN anchor to scream into a gluten-free salad.
America First, Sky Edition
With Trump in charge, even the jetstreams salute. Iranian weather has reportedly defected to Texas. Trump promises next: “Complete control of Neptune’s moons — and maybe Schumer’s hairpiece.”
