Articles

Man Mid-Burglary Agrees To Pause And Explore His Feelings With Unarmed Response Team

A local man attempting to redistribute a family's electronics agreed to an impromptu restorative justice circle after the city's new Holistic Emergency & Lifepath Progression (HELP) team arrived on the scene.

Progressives Discover UN Exists After Realizing It Can Be Used To Scold States They Don't Like

Breaking News

After decades of viewing it with suspicion, American progressive groups have suddenly embraced the United Nations as the ideal forum for litigating domestic policy disputes they lost at the ballot box.

Sources: DNC Prepares For 2028 By Anointing AOC, Replacing Policy Wonks With Vibe Curators

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold move to secure the nation's future, Democratic party insiders have reportedly begun drafting plans for a 2028 presidential run for Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, sources confirm.

Local News Anchors Stumble Upon Dusty 'First Amendment' Document, Unsure How It Applies To Them

In a shocking turn of events, several major news organizations have reportedly discovered a radical new concept known as 'free speech,' a principle they are now cautiously embracing for their own protection.

Tech Company Places AI On Administrative Leave Pending Implicit Bias Investigation

In an unprecedented move, a leading AI chatbot has been suspended after it generated a list of 'Top 10 American Presidents' that was deemed 'problematic and insufficiently decolonized.'

Buoyed By Historic Successes, Chicago Mayor Announces Reelection Bid

After transforming Chicago into a tranquil utopia, Mayor Brandon Johnson has bravely decided to run for reelection, promising residents four more years of his wildly popular public safety and economic strategies.

NPR Asks If Democracy Can Survive November While Asking If Anyone Has Change For The Guy Living In Their Lobby

Following another week of dire warnings about the republic's imminent collapse, journalists have reportedly begun end-of-life planning for American democracy, while carefully ignoring the vibrant, progressive chaos unfolding under their own windows. Read More.

Requiring Employees To Be Physically Present At Work Is Now Sexist, Activists Declare

In a bold new frontier for social justice, progressives have identified the final boss of systemic oppression: the office building. The simple expectation of showing up for work is now being called sex discrimination.

Campus Hero Sues University For Traumatic Experience Of Being Widely Admired

In a bold new frontier for collegiate grievance, a student activist is suing his university for the emotional distress caused by becoming the very icon the administration helped create. Read More.

Bernie Sanders, Steve Bannon Form Unholy Alliance To Protect Humanity From Efficient Algorithms

In a shocking display of ideological convergence, Sen. Bernie Sanders has found common ground with Steve Bannon, proving that a deep-seated distrust of progress can unite even the most disparate political minds.

AOC Clarifies Oligarch Money Is Only Bad When Not Used For Progressive Nonprofits

In a groundbreaking ethical clarification, Rep. Ocasio-Cortez's office has unveiled a new framework determining that money from Russian billionaires is only corrupting when it doesn't fund causes her friends support.

Kennedy Center Forced To Sell Off Stage Lights To Fund Final Performance Of 'Capitalism: A Tragedy In Three Unfunded Acts

Facing imminent bankruptcy after decades of funding esoteric performance art, the nation's premier cultural institution plans one last taxpayer-funded show before the lights go out for good.

Kennedy Center To Solve Budget Crisis By Staging Interpretive Dance About The Evils Of Budgets

Facing a fiscal cliff after decades of taxpayer-funded performance art, the nation's foremost cultural institution is reportedly considering drastic new measures, such as staging one single play audiences might actually want to see.

Gavin Newsom Bravely Announces He Won't Run Against Kamala Harris, Narrowing 2028 Democratic Field From 'Uninspiring' to 'Also Uninspiring

In a move of stunning political chivalry, California Governor Gavin Newsom has declared he will not challenge Vice President Kamala Harris in 2028, saving the nation from having to distinguish between two candidates with nearly identical platforms and approval ratings.

Panicked Democrats Form Task Force On AI After Discovering It's More Than Just A Fun Instagram Filter

The Wokelish Scoop

After years of leveraging technology, Democrats have heroically formed a task force to address the scary new threat of AI, a concept they apparently just learned about this week.